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Coach Keddle
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Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in coachkeddle's LiveJournal:

Friday, June 17th, 2005
9:01 am
Ach, laddies! I hope you've been running your laps! Nothing like a good run to warm up the legs for the greatest sport in the world!

I know you're all wondering about that draft of the American Professional Quidditch Association's Salem Tournament. I want you to know that I've been personally overseeing all the details. When I'm not coaching my Spirits, that is. (We're going to come back from this dreadful 2-9 start, you'll see!) Or writing my next book, That, Lassie, Is Most Certainly Not Through the Hoops.

Stick with me, team! We'll gut this out yet, and you'll be able to start planning tactics for that tournament.

Current Mood: sweaty

(Send me your training regimen)

Monday, February 21st, 2005
12:42 pm
Quidditch, of course!
Listen up, team! My name is Gregory Keddle. I am the head coach of the North Stratford Spirits, as well as The Witching Hour's consultant from the Department of Magical Games and Sports. I have taken a bit of time from my team's pre-season two-a-day practices to urge you all to get in the game. Take the skrewt by the horns. At least those skrewts that have horns, anyway.

Regardless of my feelings on the ridiculous changes made to the hallowed rules of Quidditch to allow for play in front of Muggles, Quidditch is Quidditch. It's an ancient tradition, and one in which few have the honor of participating.

The Witching Hour has three types of Quidditch, though I'm quite sure that all of you don't want to hear about those absurd amateur modes of play, correct? Real players will play professionally, not that silly House Quidditch or even that blasted pick-up Quidditch with Muggles! Great Merlin!

I am told that my feelings on the issue of allowing Muggles to play Quidditch are well-known and that I should not bore you all by ennumerating them again. Well, fine. Hmph. I'm sure you all agree anyway.

Instead, I will urge you to sign up for professional Quidditch. Interested players will be drafted onto professional teams in a few months, and may begin their official team practices at that time. (I, of couse, am always available to advise and consult on the matter of training regimens, and I expect that most of you are running laps fiercely at this very moment.) Professional teams will be entered into the American Professional Quidditch Association's Salem Tournament, which will be held on the Salem Common during The Witching Hour. Pro players will receive an admission ticket to breakfast and an individualized
custom jersey with their team, name, number and position. We hope to begin announcing which teams have chosen to enter this Tournament -- which dates back to the time of the Puritans, the Sea Rats won the inaugeral year -- shortly.

In the meantime, over 50 players have already signed up for the draft. Spaces are going quickly, team, and the training has commenced! Lap will be run! Many crunches will be done! And my patented Broom Suicides will undoubtedly bring the money rolling in to, uh, me! Let's have a rousing chorus of Flying
'Round The Goals - No, We Said 'Round, Not Through!

The cost of entering the draft is $30. In order to pay that fee, you must be registered for The Witching Hour already, as only attendees are eligible for the professional draft. (If you've already registered and have come to your senses and decided to play, you can add Quidditch to your registration by using the
"Add to my registration" feature on the Registration page of The Witching Hour's interweb site.) Once you've signed up for the draft, you are guaranteed a spot in the APQA Tournament.

The sooner you sign up for the draft, however, the more likely you'll be to get your preferred number, position and teammates!

Hop to it, team! There's always time for Quidditch! A rousing good time will be had by all...between the brutal, war-like matches, that is.

If you have questions about the program, or more interestingly, proposed pre-season training regimens, please comment on this entry or e-mail me at coachkeddle@witchinghour.org.

Coach Gregory Keddle
Official Representative, Department of Magical Games and Sports

P.S. I have discovered some nasty rumors are flying regarding, surprisingly, me. (Not that I haven't had this rather unfortunate experience before, but this is the first time such maliciousness has centered around my Quidditch integrity rather than my, er, widespread exploits off the pitch.) For the record, I did not attend Nimbus - 2003. I was managing a tournament in Australia at the time. If someone should tell you that I was not only in attendance, but that I was refereeing and failing to call flagrant fouls, you should under no circumstances believe them! The game of Quidditch deserves no less than absolute honor and integrity! Of all the nerve! Hmph.

P.P.S. I am trying to get my book, Gregory Keddle: Get Back On The Pitch! The Story of How I Overcame Two Punctured Lungs and a Case of Funny Bone Hex and Led England to Thirteenth Place in the 1976 World Cup, to be available for sale during The Witching Hour. The cost is 70 Galleons, which is a right
bargain price for such insight and war stories. Unfortunately, The Witching Hour is telling me there's some issue with the exchange rate. Or something.

Current Mood: chipper

(1 Training regimen | Send me your training regimen)

Sunday, February 6th, 2005
10:36 am
Does anyone know what rhymes with "Ranganathan"?

In fact, does anyone know how to say "Ranganathan"?

Damn this woman! She's thrown obstacles in my way. Excuse me, I must take some laps around the pitch to ponder my next approach.

(3 Training regimens | Send me your training regimen)

Thursday, February 3rd, 2005
4:54 pm
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I wrote in your books,
Oh, now what shall you do?

Great Merlin, man, that's terrible!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The Dewey Decimal System

Damn. That doesn't work either.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Racing brooms are hot,
And so are you!

Hmmmmm...not bad. Not bad at all. Now, where can I find an owl the color of the Flanders Flamigos' uniforms?

Current Mood: accomplished

(6 Training regimens | Send me your training regimen)

Friday, December 31st, 2004
3:50 pm
The Witching Hour's Quidditch Guide
Great Merlin, team, straighten up! My name is Coach Gregory Keddle, of the North Stratford Spirits, and The Witching Hour has asked me to assist you in preparing for its Quidditch play.

I am horrified to learn that the American Department of Magical Atheletics and Sports has flagrantly violated the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy and allowed Muggles to watch Quidditch be played — and even play it themselves! — thereby requiring a modification of the esteemed and hallowed rules of Quidditch. I am even more horrified to learn that these fools from The Witching Hour will be allowing people to play something called "pick-up Quidditch", which seems to involve very little competition and even less physical fitness. What absolute rubbish! Changing the rules, allowing Muggles to play! I bet those fools won't even have a flying Snitch!

I need a good round of a few hundred crunches to clear my head. Take a couple laps around the pitch while you wait, team.

Alright, I'm feeling a bit more centered. A good sweat always cheers me up. Bring on the questions!

Will there be flying in Quidditch?

What has possessed you, man? Muggles can't fly, and since Muggles can't fly and the Department of Magical Athletics and Sports, against all reasoned judgment has allowed these fools to let Muggles watch the annual APQA tournament, you can't fly either! Did they not teach you the policies of the Quidditch Players Association Act in school? Great Merlin, you great fool! You've gone and ruined my cheer!

What if my team is eliminated in the first round of the APQA tournament?

The APQA officials have personally assured me that all APQA tournament teams will play at least two rounds. Great Merlin, boy, if your team doesn't manage to make it to the second round of that, then you need a good three years of my personal training and diet routine! If your team should be eliminated in that second round, well, then take it like a man, laddie. Take it like a man. I understand that defeated players may join in this ridiculous pick-up Quidditch play, which may be of some miniscule amount of consolation, but defeated teams should be gracious. At least until you've left the pitch area, at which point defeated teams should and must engage in a great, rousing chorus of how much better they were than their opponents. In fact, an appendix to my book, Gregory Keddle: Get Back On The Pitch! The Story of How I Overcame Two Punctured Lungs and a Case of Funny Bone Hex and Led England to Thirteenth Place in the 1976 World Cup, contains a selection of such rousing choruses, including my favorite song, Flying 'Round The Goals - No, We Said 'Round, Not Through!

Should I play professional or amateur Quidditch?

That choice, my girl, is up to you, though the glory of professional Quidditch play is unparalleled. Why, the smell of the grass, the rush of the wind, tromping your opponents into the ground! What could be better? In fact, I've recommended to The Witching Hour that all pro players start the day with a brisk ten-mile jog and a round of calisthenics to warm up the joints. They seem to think the players would prefer breakfast. Rubbish! Next they'll be giving you cheerleaders and whatnot!

Obviously, it costs money to play professional Quidditch, since space and jerseys and breakfast pep rallies aren't available for free. (And since APQA suffered that terrible scandal a couple years back, they're a bit short on funds, I understand.) The question I suppose is whether you want to compete with the real players in proper tournament fashion, or you'd rather pretend to play with those House students. If you do choose to play pro, please feel free to contact me for an appropriate training regimen. I'll get you Kneazles whipped into shape in no time.

How experienced do I have to be to play? How hard is it going to be?

How hard is it going to be? It's a sport, for Merlin's sake! You'd think this was your first time on a bro---

The management would like to point out that there will be no brooms involved in Quidditch. Quidditch will be open to all, regardless of skill or experience. General eye-hand coordination and the ability to move about the pitch will assist players, but you need not be a trained athlete to play. Professional Quidditch will undoubtedly be more competitive, but inappropriately rough play will be penalized.

Hmmmmm...my old head injury seems to have come back. What was I saying?

Since APQA is an American league, are the rules any different from the traditional British wizarding rules?

You're not suggesting that those wretched Quodpot rules might be used, are you, son? Despite that terrible scandal, the American Professional Quidditch Association is a legitimate, respectable organization. Quodpot, indeed. What would you do to keep the explosions a secret from the Muggles, you great fool?

Will you be attending The Witching Hour, Coach Keddle?

You might see me there. The Salem Witches Institute ladies have invited me for tea and a good round of broomstick racing. I can't bear to hear their gloating over the "trouncing" they claim to have given me last time, those smug harpies, so I may just find the time to come. Destiny demands a rematch!

That's it, team! Please send all proposed training regimens to me at coachkeddle@witchinghour.org for critique and analysis.

Current Mood: over-stimulated

(Send me your training regimen)

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